Myself or Yourself
by Yemi Hikari
Summary: Toshiro hates the multifarious ways he's like Gin, nor does he like the conclusions that his mind wants to come to. Shinji of course ends up setting him straight.


_Disclaimer – I don't own Bleach. This was written for a challenge where you take the word from Webster-Merrium's word of the day and come up with a story with said word. The word for 8/10/2015 was multifarious._

 **Myself or Yourself**

The sickening feeling wouldn't go away no matter what. The small figure stood hunched over the porcelain sink in one of the restrooms for males in soul society staring down at bone thin hands. One bone thin hand reached up to turn on the water, and the other reached out to push the button below the soap dispenser. He let the liquid soap puddle up in the palm of his hand until it pooled over the edges, and then proceeded to suds up his hands and arms as he tried to scrub _it_ away.

The bone thin hands continued to scrub away until the skin became pink, and the white haired youth let out a sigh of frustration. His head darted up, and saw himself in the mirror as his lips pushed togther. Toshiro flinched upon seeing himself as the indescribable feeling which constantly haunted him began to surface again. This time around his bright teal eyes stared at the mirror as he took in his facial features, and his stomach lurched as he noted ever feature.

The first two things anybody noticed about him was always his hair and eyes. His hair was the color of freshly fallen snow, and the locks which fell in front of his face were soft. His eyes were the color of ice – a vivid bright teal color that made Toshiro cringe every single time he saw the beautiful color. To him there was no beauty to be seen. A soaking wet hand reached up to grab his shoulder to try and hold back the feeling welling in his chest, and he bit down slightly on his tongue.

His small bone thin hand could feel the bone thin shoulder blade, and he swallowed as the wish to be _bigger_ shot through his head. Height wasn't the only thing he meant by _being_ bigger. Toshiro simply didn't want to be as _thin_ as that person, but no matter how much he ate he simply didn't seem to gain any weight. A shudder ran down his spine as he thought about that person, and how much like that person he actually was.

Not many people knew the color of Gin's eyes, but Toshiro remembered the pale coolness of the teal eyes when they opened enough during one of their battles so he could briefly see the actual color. Both had a shade of silver hair as well, and Toshiro's small frame was as bone thin as the man's was. He honestly looked like a mini Ichimaru Gin, and he honestly didn't like the fact he looked so much like the man. Once he simply hated the way he looked, but now he loathed the way he looked.

A sopping wet hand ran through his hair in an attempt to brush the uncanny locks back only for the lock to flop back. The young Shinigami let out a sigh of frustration as his hair wouldn't do what he wanted, and he remembered why he usually used hair gel. Today though he'd chosen to go without, and he looked even more like Gin. His head darted down to see his knuckles were white from gripping the sink tightly. He pressed his lips tightly together as the muddled feelings continued to roll around his head despite Hyorinmaru's protests.

"You look a lot like him you know."

Toshiro's head shot up from the sink where the water still ran. He saw his reflection in the cracked mirror, and behind him he saw the new taicho of the fifth. " _Not new. He was captain before_ _Aizen._ "

The young captain's eyes blinked a couple of times as he stared at the man standing behind him. Shinji shoved his arms into his captain's haori, and continued to smirk. The small taicho's small hand reached out to turn the sink off, and then he turned so he could look at the man while leaning up against the sink. The corners of his mouth twisted down in frustration as the man continued to speak to him in a rather candid manner. Toshiro wanted to say something to the man, but no words came out of his mouth.

"You're going to make yourself sick."

"What do you mean?"

"This destructive behavior of yours. Rumor has it you're pushing yourself to master your Bankai, nor are you aren't eating and sleeping well." One of the man's eyebrows rose up. "Seems you've also become obsessive compulsive about your cleanliness."

Toshiro's bright teal eyes blinked a couple of times as he looked at the man. The feeling of frustration continued to persist, but the emotion he now felt had an added burning sensation the young taicho knew could be identified as embarrassment. The child taicho also felt his chest tighten. "I'm honestly not sure about the other things, but why shouldn't I be working on perfecting my Bankai? I messed up, and I need to be able to protect Hinamori."

The young taicho watched as the smile left the man's face, and Toshiro's bright teal eyes narrowed. "Hinamori huh? Even if this really was your reason for diving into your training like you say, that still isn't a good reason to be pushing yourself like you are."

The tenth division taicho stared at the man as he carefully thought over Shinji's words. He then brushed past the man. "I'm fine. I'd appreciate if you wouldn't but into something that isn't your concern."

"Idiot."

 **M**

Two bright teal eyes opened up to look at the ceiling of the forth division. Toshiro blinked a couple of times as he pondered why he was stuck in the forth division.

"You're here because you overdid things."

The small taicho turned his head to look at Shinji as his facial features twisted up in frustration. "What do you mean?"

"You ask that kind of question a lot don't you? I think though you know what I mean."

Toshiro turned his head so he was looking up at the ceiling, but at the same time he closed his eyes wishing the man would go away. " _Why is he pushing this issue. I don't have any other reason to be pushing myself to learn Bankai._ "

"You're a lot like him you know."

The young taicho's eyes snapped open. "Stop. Please." Toshiro's eyes widened as he tried swallowing down the tightening in his chest. " _Why does he persist with this?_ "

"Did you know he was my third seat?"

The young taicho's eyes blinked a couple of times. Toshiro then pushed his small body up off the hospital bed so he could look at the man. "Really?"

"Yup. You and he are both idiots."

Two bright teal eyes blinked a couple of times. "Say what?"

"Stubborn kids, that's what both of you are. Rather annoying really." Shinji reached up to rub the top of his head. "That's why you're having problems. You know as well how much like him you are."

The small taicho looked away as his lips pushed together. "We're alike? I think not."

"Eh... there are a lot of various ways the two of you are like each other. That honestly bothers you, doesn't it?"

The look of curiosity quickly left Toshiro's eyes and was replaced with one of irritation. "Bothers me? I think not."

"Then why do you keep glaring at yourself in the mirror. Why do you keep scrubbing your hands as if you don't like what you see."

"Who would want to be like him? If I was really bothered by being like him, which I'm not on either count, that would be your answer."

"I wouldn't say being like Gin is a bad thing." Shinji scratched the back of his head. Upon realizing Toshiro was staring at him with a blank look on his face the man choose to speak again. "Seriously... you do get the fact he was a double traitor, right? You do know what that means?" A sigh escaped the man's lips. "It means he's not as bad of a guy as you think."

"Why do you even care what I think of Ichimaru?"

"Ran-chan."

"You mean I should care because of her feelings? She's the last person who would want anyone to spare her feelings."

"Not so much that, but the connection you have between the two." Shinji leaned back in his chair.

"Just get to the point."

"You never wondered why you're so much like Gin-chan?"

"Coincidence."

Shinji let out a sigh."You've not put two and two together? I thought you of all people would have particularly when I already figured it out."

Toshiro flopped back onto the bed. "What have you figured out that I haven't?"

"I don't think this is an issue of you not figuring things out. I think this has to do with you being in serious denial."

"Denial... that's Hinamori."

"Says the person whose in denial about the relationship issues with the person he considers to be his sister."

The boy closed his eyes, and when he opened them again the fifth division taicho was gone.

 **M**

" _If you were to go by your gut feeling then what would you say your relationship with Ichimaru and_ _Matsumoto is?_ "

" _I would guess they were my parents._ " Toshiro took a deep breath as Hyorinmaru pushed him for an answer. " _There are some issues though._ "

" _Why not ask that new captain?_ "

Two bright teal eyes blinked at the sudden realization as he pushed himself up out of the bed. " _Fine... I'll go ask him._ "

The small taicho opened the door only to find Rangiku standing outside his room. The child flinched as the woman reached out for his ear, and began to pull the white haired boy back to his bed. "You young man are supposed to be resting."

"I need to..."

"You need to be resting."

"Resting..." Toshiro sat down onto the bed. "I want to talk to that new taicho?"

"Why? If it's about how Hinamori is doing under his command..."

"No! Actually..." A lie quickly left the small taicho's mouth. "... he told me I was over doing it, and I didn't listen."

"I see. I'll pass on the message."

Toshiro flopped back onto the bed as boredom overtook him. Eventually a knock came on the door and he told the person to come in. Shinji let out as sigh. "Ran-chan says you wanted to see me." The man leaned up against the door frame. "I don't think this is about admitting I was right though, or for thanking me."

"Let's say what you figure to be true is actually true... how can it be true when I died on a plain of ice. Or how about the fact Ichimaru and Matsumoto were simply class mates. Or the fact Matsumoto doesn't remember. Or Ichimaru said nothing. How do you explain that?"

Shinji let out a deep sigh. "Don't you have some of the answers already?"

Toshiro's bright eyes blinked a couple of times. "What do you mean?"

"You say you died on a plain of ice, but your inner world is a plain of ice. Gin and Ran-chan were never classmates. They met before Gin-chan started at the academy. No clue why she doesn't remember, but why would Gin-chan tell you when he didn't even tell me he was playing double spy. I was the one most likely for him to tell, that or the head taicho."

The small taicho's lips pushed together. "How was I supposed to know they weren't classmates. Matsumoto's never... corrected me."

"Possibly because Ran-chan's still in love with Gin."

Toshiro looked at the foot of his bed rather then at the blond taicho. "And yet she forgot about me." His small hands clutched his pant legs. "She forgot, and doesn't care. That doesn't make sense."

"Because you know she does care about you. Even I've been able to see it. It bothers her a bit I think as she knows she cares about you, but can't put her finger on why." The man pushed himself away from the door frame. "I told you that your obsession with Gin would bother her, but not because you can't forgive him. It's how it's eating you up."

"Why do you care?"

"'cause I've always had a soft spot for the two of them, which means I've got a soft spot for you as well." Shinji waved as he walked away allowing Toshiro to think things over.


End file.
